Mind Control

This entry is definitely one of the more deep entries I have worked on. For a couple reasons. One, because it hits very close to home for me, and two, because it is something that I am trying so hard to impart to my children, especially my oldest son. What I'm writing about is controlling your mind. Actually, what is it that is controlling your mind???

When I became a christian, I quickly found out that there were things in my life I had to deal with. Behaviors I had to curb, a certain way to act. While I think all of it ultimately helped me, the motivation and means in the beginning were harmful. See, many times, with many christians, they never truly change things, yet preach and tell others what they need to change. This is why many people who are not christians question, mock, and view christianity negatively. People tend to think that christianity is a crutch, a weakness. I would offer the opinion that to me, it has been harder to live out my faith, keep my mind pure, and truly live for God, than it is to not live that way. It takes a certain kind of strong to not give into temptations, conform with the way society acts, and love those who either don't love you, or who are different than you. The thing is, society doesn't just react to christian living that way, society reacts to anything outside of the norm that way. My brother is a very committed straight edge. This means he abstains from alcohol, tobacco and drugs. After speaking with him about it, he communicated the same thing. More people question his decision, than support it. Why? Is it because he chooses to not be controlled by a substance? Is it because his convictions highlight others' weaknesses??? I think it is an issue of mind control.

Our society is big on conformity. Act this way, speak like this, look like this, believe like this. Anything outside of society's norm causes fear. What is, now think about this, what if our media, our advertisers, our government, our public schools are setting and influencing this "norm" as a way to control it's people??? I'm not talking about some great conspiracy. Why do movies and tv shows, especially on networks like MTV, have such an appeal to young people? Why not middle aged people??? Why is tobacco, and alcohol advertised in such a way that it is appealing to younger people? Why is music marketed the way it is, with concerts, flashy videos, bad language? It attracts young people. To me, like I said, it is all an issue of mind control. Young people are still formulating their beliefs, morals, and values. IKt makes them easy targets to corrupt.

I commend my brother for his decision, especially since addiction is very prevalent in our family. I'm glad he has decided to not be controlled by a substance. For me, and for my children, I am taking it a step further. We are working together to learn how to control our mind, control what influences us. If we fill our minds with junk, we will put out junk. If we conform to how society tells us how to think, we will miss out on bigger things at work. Many people think that religion in a form of mind control, and surprisingly, I would agree. Religion, church (in the negative sense of the word), are all forms of mind control. What I would argue is that living as Jesus did, following the guidelines the bible lays out, isn't about mind control. Its about living a life that is based on acting out your faith and beliefs, not just preaching it. It is about following a set of standards for your life that will bring you protection, blessings, and fulfillment.

When I choose to not watch a certain movie because of it's content, its because I don't want to fill my mind with things that will tempt me, make me feel certain things, or desensitize me to some of the horrible things that should shock all of us. When I screen the music my kids listen too, or the content they are finding on the internet, it's because I want their minds to be clean, pure, not tainted by what society dictates is normal, or right. The last thing I'll say is this: The bible says in Romans 12:2 do not be conformed to this world, but transformed by the renewing of your mind. Renewing of your mind-think about that. What does renewing your mind mean to you? It goes on to say that this is how we prove that the will of God is good. God is encouraging you to think! Renew your mind from outside influences, and what others think. Think for yourself! Discover for yourself, not through others, what and who God is. How do I keep my mind form going places it shouldn't?? ( I try to do this, not always successfully.) Philippians 4:8 tells us what to focus on. Whatever is true, right, noble, pure and lovely. Things that are excellent and praiseworthy, think of these things. I think society might be a bit better if we all follow these guidelines. I know for me, and for my family, we are really going to work at controlling out minds.

Who's teaching who????

I haven't written about my children for a while, so I figured I'd mention some things I learned from them lately. It's funny, we are so busy trying to teach them, and impart life lessons to them, that I think we forget that they teach us alot too.

Some changes that have happened at our house have brought about alot of change, and that is where I've seen some cool things happen. My wife went to work part time nights, and that means daddy has to be mr. mom for a while. (this has resulted in the frequent use of paper plates- I hate doing dishes!) Perhaps the first thing I have learned is that my wife definatly has the hardest, most tiring, most underappreciated job ever- being a stay at home mom!!! Anyway, this really kind of forced me to step it up, and help out at home more. It was actually very needed, because we were having some behavior problems with the boys. Nothing major, just stuff like not helping out, or taking responsibility for their things, alot of attitude with each other and with my wife, and typical boy stuff like that. This brings me to lesson number one. I think as fathers, we get so focused on rules, working, correcting, etc... that we forget to just be with our kids. Just spend time with them. After about two weeks, the boys had become so helpful. It got to the point where I didn't even have to ask them to help, they just did. Their attitude and respect towards each other had changed tremendously, and all of this started to carry over to when I wasn't home. They were being better for their mother too. It was an eye opening look into how much my presence, interest, and involvment in their lives, affected every aspect of our home lives. They needed to see me being more helpful around the house. Things have been fantastic!

I think another lesson I learned through all of this is that I don't give my oldest son enough credit. The kid is so talented and smart, it amazes me. I have made it a priority to talk with him, get to know him better, and reconnect with him. You know what I realized? He's got a good head on his shoulders. He's already thinking about college. He is starting to take school and music very seriously now. He has skills that will make him a great father, and alot of that came from the special bond he has with Emma. I was being so hard on him, that it was projecting behaviors and issues onto him that really weren't there. In lightening up, slowing down, and lisening to him, he's felt safe to come to me with some things he is struggling with. I never even realized he is still hurting from the babies we lost, or that he doesn't know how to connect with God, even though he desires too. He's also taught me that the examples I have set on dealing with grief, and loss, have set the tone for how they deal with it. We've had to work through some feelings of loss, sadness, and regret with the loss of my father. I showed them that I had to be strong, move forward, keep the family ok, but I never showed them that its ok to grieve too.

Another thing I learned from my kids is that we can't get stuck in places, feelings, or roles. My son Aiden was getting frustrated and lazy with some of his chores. It became so frustrating that he was getting punished for it. I finally asked him what is going on. He explained to me that just because he was the youngest doesn't mean I can't give him more important things to do. I was holding him back in essance, not letting him do certain things, or enjoy certain rewards for them, because I thought he was too young, or too lazy. I was expecting him to fail at things before I gave him a chance too!!!

And then comes Nathan. His heart is so beautiful. He hugs me everyday still, and even though he can talk your ear off, he needs that time, that attention. He's the one that has kind of forced me to slow down a bit. Funny story, after my father's death, my aunt gave me his chess set. It's a really nice one, and when I got it, I cleaned it, polished it, and then put it away, out of sight. One night Nathan asked me to play chess, and I said we can't, some of the pieces are missing from the boy's set. He said what about the one that was your dad's? I looked at him like he had suggested something outlandish, and said we can't play on that one, it was my fathers!!! He looked at me kind of confused, and said dad, why did you take it if you weren't gonna use it? He was so right! I was stuck in the emotions and grief that came with my father's death. It seems silly, but that chess set became a symbol. Something out of reach, inaccessable, kind of like my father. It was a very profound moment for me, and it really helped me put the grieving process in perspective.

And then there is my Emma. She makes me so happy. I have come to realize that despite my protest, she is growing up. She is speaking so much now, making decisions on her own, expressing herself more, and is even potty trained!!! It kind of grieves my heart because I so love our times together, and our dances, and our songs-and someday, those will all be memories. Perhaps the greatest lesson I have learned lately is that time is moving forward, whether I like it or not. These last few months reconnecting on a deeper level with my kids has been great, and when they are grown, with families of their own, I'll be glad I cherished every minute!

Family First

So in my last post, (i know, it's been a while), I said I'd talk about some of the things my father communicated to all of us on his deathbed. We were very blessed to have the time to say goodbye to my father the way we did, and he communicated some very clear things.

One thing my father said over and over again was family first. That's become our family's kind of motto since he passed. He reminded all of us how important that was, and that no matter what, it was always us-my family. He told me to be strong, and be there for everyone. (Tall order dad, but thanks for challenging me!!!) He begged me to fix my marriage, fix my relationship with my oldest boy. He said over and over again, he loved us, and we meant the world to him. And as if to pass the family first idea to the next generation, he begged us to never forget him, never let the kids forget him, and tell them everyday papa loves them.

His passing and the way it happened was amazing. Just proved that when it comes to my big, crazy family, we get it. Family first. My dad's sister Lisa had been living here for a few months now, helping us care for my dad. She made it her mission to be there for us. Whether it was to watch he kids for my sister and I, or take care of things at my parent's house, she was there. There were times she put aside opportunities to be with my dad, for us. She even stayed overnights with my dad in the hospital so we could rest. I mentioned in my dad's eulogy that she was sent here for such a time as this, and I meant it. She was such an important part of the whole ordeal. She had our back. Then there was my aunt Missy. She was there by my dad's side when we needed a break, or to eat, even grab a cup of coffee. She cried with us, hugged us, talked to us, and was there. Even after he died, she was there with us just for encouragement, memories, and support. My aunt Cathy was amazing too, truly a rock for all of us. She put aside her grief, her hurt, and held us up. She had a special relationship with my dad, so this was difficult for her. She stayed for a week after he died just to make sure my mom and us kids were ok. She helped us pick out flowers. We even had a very silly afternoon with her, my aunt Lisa, and my brother and I, picking out dress clothes, pictures for the funeral, and just laughing and being there with us. Even now, though hundreds of miles separate us, she still has our hearts. Through the miracle of the Internet and facebook, she keeps in regular contact with us, sending us love, thoughts, and bits of encouragement, all at the right time. I wonder of she'll ever know how much all of that meant. My in-laws handled so much planning for us for the reception after. We didn't have to worry for nothing- they took care of it. My mother in law, father in law, and sister in law and I spent a couple hours the morning of his funeral just talking. I so needed that. Even my grandma Barb gave me the chance to cry and grieve, making sure I felt her love and support through the whole thing, right down to helping us with the reception hall. Right down to family that has been separated by life, distance, and years. My dad's cousins all brought food too!!! It was amazing.

It's almost like my dad planned it, all of it, just to make us further understand his point about family. Not only did everyone come together to honor my father, but so many people held us up, supported us, and put us first. My family first. OUR family first. My mother, sister, brother and I were able to grieve, plan, cry, laugh, feel love, and at times do nothing, because everyone in my father's life understood family first. I am truly blessed to have the family, extended family, and friends I have. And to my aunts, thank you all so very much for the part you play in our family.

"A Cure Was Not to Be"

"God saw you were getting tired, and a cure was not to be, so he put his arms around you, and whispered "Come to Me". With tearful eyes we watched you, and saw you pass away. Although we loved you dearly, we could not make you stay. A golden heart stopped beating, hard working hands, at rest. God broke our hearts to prove to us, He only takes the best."

This is the poem we selected for the back of my father's memorial cards for his funeral. It was so fitting, perfectly describing him- someone with a heart of gold, full of joy, and always hard working and hard playing. The picture above is so symbolic of who my dad was as well. Full of life and vigor before he got sick, having fun, laughing. One of the things my father requested was that we remember him, and make sure his grand kids do too. So, the next couple of blog entries are for just that-remembering him.

In this post, I want to tell the story of his death. To many it may not seem a way to remember the good, the life, the spirit that was my father, but after reading the story of his death, you will know so much more about my father, just by the way he spent his last weeks. I will post some of the things he told us before he died in my next post, and some of the lessons he passed on to all of us in another post.

My father was admitted to the hospital on October 12th, for having blood in his dialysis fluid. This was after a year that included open heart surgery and valve replacements, surgical removal of cysts in his neck and groin, a bypass in his leg, and ultimately amputation of one leg. His health had deteriorated rapidly the past summer, and this hospital trip was after three days of not being able to get out of bed, and months of not eating. In hind sight, I think we knew he was not going to come home, and by some of his actions and comments, I think he did too. The doctors determined that he had a severe infection in his abdomen, (peritonitis), and the infection was in his spleen, his blood, and his heart valves. Even if he could beat the infection, the damage to his spleen and heart valves was so severe, that the doctors would not operate because his chances of survival were slim. For a couple days after the diagnosis and prognosis had been given, he was in and out of lucidity, so my mother was faced with the awful task of deciding what treatments to stop and when, and when to put him on comfort care.  Luckily by that Saturday, he was awake, and with it enough to see some family members and friends who had gathered at the hospital. (We had spent the previous days contacting friends and family to let them know my father wasn't coming home from this one.) He also got to see his oldest two grandchildren that day, JB, my son, and my niece, Kailee. He was laughing, joking, being a wise ass- just like usual. Everyone went home, and I stayed the night. My brother, sister, and aunt and I had been taking turns. I thought he was sleeping, and I leaned my arms and head down on the bed rail. He placed his hand on my head, and touched my face. I looked at him, grabbed his hand, kissed it, and said I love you. He said I love you too, and asked if my Aunt Cathy, his sister and law, had made it in from Virginia yet. I said no, she will be here tomorrow sometime. He then told me he was done. He was going to wait until she got here, and stop dialysis treatments. I held his hand as tight as I could, and said okay. I am not leaving your side. I'll be right here. He protested slightly, and said he didn't want me to lose my job. I let him know my work was being so great throughout all of this, and gave me all the time I needed. I held his hand until he faded back into sleep. I have to admit, I was somewhat relieved that HE decided it was time. It spared my mother from making an awful decision.

The next day, he spent the morning talking with us, laughing, fading in and out of sleep. We talked about good times, funny memories. He was surrounded by his family, and his best friend. My mother, brother, sister and I were right there by his side. When my aunt Cathy arrived, he broke down into tears, and said he couldn't do it anymore, to which my aunt, always a rock in our family, said with such bravery and composure, "Then don't. You don't have too" That began the process of my father choosing his path on his journey through death. He said some very important things to all of us, and requested some very important things of all of us. (I will talk about that later) That night, he stopped all dialysis treatments, as well as any extra measures aside from comfort and his medication to sustain his blood pressure. My brother and sister spent that night with him.

The next two days were filled with much of the same- in and out of sleep. His nurses were fantastic, and that is for lack of a better word. When he was awake, he told us all how he loved us so much. He would make wise cracks, flirt with my mother a little. Then on Tuesday evening, the 20th, he decided to stop the blood pressure medication, be taken off all the monitors, and be moved into a palliative care room. I had gone home to get some rest, and came back up around 8. Within an hour, everyone else had gone home to rest. My dad was agitated, and not making alot of sense at this point, but he was not in pain. Throughout the night he remained in an agitated state. We increased his pain meds, gave him frequent breathing treatments. and anxiety medication. He talked through alot of statements, and conversations. Ones that didn't make sense to me. but it was him reliving situations and activities that were comfortable and familiar to him. After not recognizing me for most of the night, around 2:30, i was holding his hand. He looked right at me, and I at him, and I said Dad I love you. He said I love you too. At around 3:15, he changed. He wasn't fighting for breath, and his eyes were distant. I called the nurses into the room, and helped them clean him up a bit. They advised me to call my family so I did. After getting off the phone with my brother, the nurse said you should come back in the room now. I went in, and knew he was dying, right at that very moment. I grabbed his hand, kissed his forehead, and said "I love you daddy, you don't have to fight anymore". As I sat there, beside his bed, I watched his breathing slow, and then actually saw the pulse in his neck stop beating. Just like that, he was gone. No sounds. No gasps. No last breath. Just silence. Just me and my father, alone in silence. It brought me great comfort to be there, and hold his hand as he entered into eternity. And it was fitting. Many of you know my father and I had a strained relationship for a long time, so this was like coming full circle. I was honored, and felt it the utmost act of respect, to be there as he left us. My family arrived shortly after, and we all said our goodbyes.

There are so many amazing, blessed, Divine moments in all of this. My father chose, after fighting a long, courageous battle, to enter quietly into the next life. He made his peace with all of us, and us with him. He knew beyond certainty how we loved him, and we knew how he loved us. Not only was it felt, but it was spoken. SO many families never get the opportunity to say goodbye the way we did. He controlled the when and how. That was important to him. He didn't die alone. He spent his final days with those who loved him the most, loving, laughing. He even prayed with me. (He prayed, I fell apart). He awoke with enough sound mind to make decisions we would have been devastated to make. He made requests, and clear directives as to what he wanted to happen. The whole thing was amazing. Profoundly sad, yet profoundly amazing. He was such a big part of our family. Truly the rock, the center. Definitely the strongest man I have ever known, and as if to show us all just how strong he actually was, and how much fight he actually had, we found out a day before he died, that the infection was gone.

The next few days were full of planning, and remembering. I have never felt so close to my family as I did in those days. With respect, honor, love, alot of laughs, and great admiration, his services brought together family and friends. I saw my mother as such a stoic, yet broken woman, holding it together for everyone else. My little brother and sister seemed to be adults all at once in my eyes. (Even though they had been adults for many years at this point.) As I gave his eulogy, I looked out and saw my family. I saw everything my father hoped and dreamed, sitting in front of me in my children and nieces. I saw everything that was important to him, in all the people that were there. I saw literally his whole life, laid out before me, and somehow, even though a cure was not to be, he was healed. He was whole. In every single person who knew and loved my father, in the family that was his everything, and in his grand kids, who he adored, he will live on.

RIP James E. Howe

May 18, 1960 to October 20, 2010

Taking Life for Granted

As you may have read by my last post, this rash of kids killing themselves because of bullying has really affected me. Not just me, but my wife, and my oldest son, especially. The three of us have talked about it much lately. Also, many of you reading this may know we lost two babies before Emma. (Lillianna and Sarah). That was a devastating loss not just for me, my wife, and kids, but for our family and friends as well. My family has experienced loss. A few of my cousins died as children. All of my birth grandparents have died. (It's amazing, God saw fit to meet that need by blessing me with another grandmother- Grandma Barb) We face mortality everyday with my father's failing health. You'd think that would be enough to make me, or everyone in my family for that matter, understand the value of life. I hate this about myself, but sometimes, I still take it for granted.

It's quite easy to do-losing touch with people close to you, mistreating those close to you, disregarding or disrespecting people we come in contact with everyday, and the list goes on. All of these ways point to one thing- not respecting the sanctity of life. Not loving others, for no other reason than they are created, as you were, by God. I think of how many opportunities to spend time with my family I've missed. How many times I could have supported them a little more, or spent a little more time with them. Instead of watching TV, I could have played a game, or went for a walk with them. As my youngest son turns 8, and my baby turns 2, I am ever more aware of how time is flying by. When it comes to my father, I wonder, have I truly shown him I love him? Do the people who I value and love the most, know that? Does my wife know how much she has changed my life? Do my kids know how much of a blessing they are to me?

I guess I am thinking about this a lot today because of work. I work at a Dialysis clinic. I initiate, monitor, and complete life saving treatments for patients who would die if this were not available to them. Aside from the tasks, I talk with the patients, listen to their complaints, fears, stresses, and sometimes, they tend to take it out on us. It gets stressful at times. It can be emotionally draining, dealing with needy people day in and day out. Also, in a high stress environment, there is also drama, as is the case anywhere. It kind of caught up to me this week, and especially today. As I was discussing the stress and aggravation with my wife, I was overcome with such a feeling of guilt. As I thought about this throughout the evening, Two things occurred to me. One, I chose this line of work, and two, how dare I take for granted, the fact that I have these patients lives in my hands, every treatment. It was enough to almost bring me to tears. I have the privilege, the honor, the blessing, to help others preserve their life, the very thing I take for granted almost every day. Then I started thinking about the petty things at work that aggravate me. And that is what they are, petty. While I am stressed about stupid, petty issues, my patients are stressed about life. How are they going to afford their meds? What about their rent, or mortgage, since most of them can't work? As a matter of fact, my parents included, most of these patients have lost everything.

I have started to address some of this lately. If I am working on projects around the house, I get the kids involved. Not exactly fun, but at least we are spending time together. We have been just having fun, playing games more often. ( Last Friday, we had a three hour game of monopoly!) I've made an effort to re-connect with people. Last Saturday, I went on a date with my grandma Barb. We went to the Casino, had dinner. Had great conversations the ride there and back. It was wonderful. I spent the whole night with my dad last time he was in the hospital. Just being there. I need to get better at verbalizing these feelings to those closest to me, but hey, it's a work in progress!

And as for work, I am truly resolving to never again forget exactly what it is my job does. Not for greatness, not for recognition. It is actually pretty humbling sometimes, especially the patient care part. Before I get agitated about petty things, I am going to remember the huge things my patients deal with every day. An extra minute, some kind words, some encouragement-that is what I will focus on. I truly believe it is an honor to do this kind of work, now my attitude has to reflect that.

Life is precious. We all have experienced loss. We all have opportunities to show others that their life matters. For me, I believe my work, my family, the losses and struggles we have had in our lives, are for a purpose. I think God has used all of it to help me understand the value of life, and the role we all have in affirming that in others. It seems to me I was born for such a time as this.

Unspoken Crisis

Its funny how sometimes things in our own life, and struggles we are facing from day to day are really put in perspective when you think of some of the struggles and problems others are having.

My father is in the hospital again, more dead tissue to amputate, more problems with his arteries due to the vascular disease. Still severely malnourished. He's just not doing well. I have spent alot of time with him over the last few days, and the frailty of life has really been driven home for me. He remains in good spirits though, and still made us all laugh a few times. As you can imagine, this has consumed alot of my emotions, and thoughts. Until I read the news online today.

I read of a young man, gifted and kind by all accounts, who was videotaped while engaging in a very private activity. This video was the plastered on the internet, for all of his friends, fellow students, and even family members could see. He was homosexual, and of course this story polarized everyone. You have Christians commenting on how he was distraught over his sexuality, and you have the media saying the internet was responsible. Some blaming the people who secretly videotaped him, some blaming him, and yet others still blaming his parents, for not equipping him to deal with bullies. I was appalled, disgusted, and deeply sorrowed by not only the whole incident, but the level of intolerance and lack of respect for human life that came out of all of this. To me, there is even a deeper issue that no one is speaking of.

Pheobe Prince, 15, Asher Brown, 13, Megan Meier, 13, Jesse Logan 18, Carl Walker Hoover, 11, Jeheem Herrera, 11, Eric Mohat, 17, Jon Carmichael, 13, Ryan Halligan, 13......

These are all young people, kids really, who committed suicide due to out of control bullying daily. We live in a society where if you don't have the latest electronics, nicest house, nicest newest cars, you're not good enough. If you are overweight, you're not good enough. If your gay, straight, christian, muslim, rich, poor, there is always some where, or some group of people you won't fit in with. Some of you may disagree, but that is how the world is. That in itself is bad enough, that we can't love each other, tolerate each other, and respect the sanctity of life. I have very strong religious beliefs, but I could never imagine hurting someone, physically or emotionally, just because they are different from me. As Christians especially, we are called to be loving and serving others, not picketing at parades and funerals. We should be kind, and charitable to every person, not burning Korans, or turning our backs on those in need. Our churches should be safe, warm, inviting places for everyone, instead we have Pastors judging and condemning from the pulpit. What kind of role model are these kids that are bullying others seeing? When did it become socially or morally acceptable to torture someone who is different? Why can't christians love muslims, and be tolerant, and friends with each other. Whether you agree with homosexuality or not, what happened to loving and respecting the person, for the simple reason they are alive? A life given, and created by God? Why can't rich kids befriend poor kids, and speak love and charity into their lives? Our society is creating groups, divisions of people, almost like the cast system in India. We live in an age where information is available at a keystroke, yet there is still intolerance and ignorance everywhere. Gotta have this, gotta be this, gotta wear this. It's sickening, and then we wonder why our kids are killing themselves, or others.

My middle son Nathan is very kind, very caring, and very sensitive. He's all about family, and loving people. Always finding a way to show care to others. His dreams are simple- to stay close to home, get married, and have lots of kids. (he wants 5!lol). Now, here's the other things about Nathan. He doesn't get caught up in the must have clothes, or toys. Whether you are old, young, gay, straight, cool or not, good looking or ugly, he loves you and respects you for who you are. Why can a child do this, but not adults? In reading these stories of these suicides, I though of how gentle and kind he is, and how others may want to tease him for that. I got all choked up, and immediately started looking into ways to equip all of my kids to deal with these situations. The first step is communication. My wife and I will talk with all of them to find out what is going on in their lives. The next step is our kids need advocates. Any issues at school? Call the school, and don't stop calling until the issue is resolved. Demand action. Set a clear and concise message that bullying, on any level, in any form, is NOT okay. Find out if your kids are bullying, and teach them that is an unacceptable behavior. We need to hold our teachers and administrators accountable. They need to step up and deal with bullying head on, instead of dismissing it as part of the usual teenage experience. Honest, frank discussions about bullying need to happen in school and at home, instead of just sweeping it under the rug, or ignoring it. In New York state, there are now laws against bullying. A step in the right direction, but how will they be enforced?

While I can rest assured that my kids will be fine, and I will defend them and support them to the ends of the earth, my heart grieves for these kids who don't have anyone in their lives to fill that role, or the kids won't speak up for fear of retaliation. Who will protect these kids???

A Bright New Day

Before I begin, I want to thank everyone who sent me encouraging messages and texts in response to my post yesterday. Especially my Gramma Barb, My Auntie Lisa, and a friend from way back when, dare I say high school, Melanie. Your words were all kind, encouraging, and reassuring.

So, yesterday, as you could tell if you ready my post, was a pretty awful day. It's funny how God knows us. Every part of us, even our frustrations and hurts. He responds by providing little glimpses of hope and beauty. Sends events our way to help us get over the little bumps in the road, or even better, the words of great people, speaking into our lives. Today dawned a bright new day, in many ways. First of all, the sun was shining all day, with a nice breeze. I love days like this. Its almost like the warmth of the sun touches our souls, and the breeze is like God whispering to us. I love the outdoors, and days like today remind me why. Aside from that, things went fantastic today. I said in yesterday's post that it seems none of us, (me, my wife, my kids) have been working together as a team. Today I got a glimpse of how that really works. Between Emily helping me with getting the tiles cut for the floor project, and JB helping me last night, we got the tiles in, and it looks great. I really appreciated JB's help, especially because it was unsolicited. I didn't have to ask him, he just started helping. My father in law was coming over today to drop off a ladder for me to fix the gutters, and ended up staying for over an hour. He helped me adjust the garage door, which has been a thorn in my side since we put it in over the summer. We talked alot too, which was cool. We don't have many times like that. He asked about my father, and how he was dealing with all of this. It reminded me just how many people actually do care, and are pulling for him. I had a meeting with some great guys from church, ate dinner with the family, and watched some of the yankees game on tv. My wife gave me a kiss and said thank you for all I have been doing around the house. That meant alot to me. I took my practice test for my dialysis certification, and got an 84. All simple, run of the mill things, but that's what I needed today. Simple things to go right. Later in the evening, I went to sit outside and do some reading. I hear Emma at the front door yelling "Daddy, Daddy", so I went to see what she wanted, and she just wanted to come outside and sit with me. As we were sitting on the swing, her curling her little body up in my side, she noticed the moon in the sky. She said all excited " what's that", with her cute little gasp. I said the moon. She followed it up with "pretty moon". After a few seconds of silence, she said "I love you". We just sat on the swing for a little while, cuddling up, enjoying each other's company. It was a perfect ending to a great day.

The whole day reminded me that each day, we are given a clean slate. Each day is a brand new canvas, to paint on it what we want. Each day, regardless of how we mess up, or respond to struggles, God gives us new mercy, for a new day. It also helped me realize that once a day is done, its done. We can choose to carry all of our junk, stress, hurt, frustration, anger, etc... into the next day, but if we always do that, we may miss the chance to enjoy a bright new day.