My Father's Son

I found this picture tonight when I was looking through all our digital pictures. It was back from May of this year. It was a good day- Nathan's tenth birthday. My dad felt great this day. He went fishing in the morning, supervised my sister's move, and then a cookout for the party. This picture is especially poignant to me though, because it is three generations of Howe men. All of us are the eldest of our families, all of us share the same first and last names, and all of us are our father's sons.

My father and I have had a very rocky relationship, from a very early age. He was 17 when he had me. We practically grew up together. He was very hard handed, and his way was law. He raised me to be very hard headed and stubborn, especially when I believed in something, so needless to say, we didn't mix well. We would go long lengths of time not speaking after fights. Time that we would never get back, and given his health now, time I would do anything to have. As an adult, I decided I didn't have to take the strife, grief, pain, and anything else I perceived he did wrong, so the routine became he would open his mouth, I would open mine, all hell would break loose, and we wouldn't speak for months. Things would blow over, and we'd repeat the cycle. I of course placed most of the blame on him. That was until I had a very lengthy conversation with my Grandma Barb, who answered questions and explained to me the cycle of abuse he was raised in. That is when I really set out to try to salvage some sort of relationship with my father. We have both expressed our hurts, disappointments, and resentments we had for each other. We've forgiven each other. Healing began. Throughout this process, I realized I was a lot like my father. I truly was my father's son. At first, I thought that was a bad thing. I blamed all my issues and shortcomings on him. Temper?? Yup- his fault. Saying whatever came to my mind, without tempering it, or thinking about how it would hurt?? Got it from him. Making a decision, regardless how unfair, or irrational, then sticking to it- he taught me well. Eventually though, I had to take credit for my own faults, and realize that all those things that hurt me growing up, were hurting my family. My words were tearing my wife down. My "law" was crushing my kids. Could this be my father's legacy?

Now let me tell some of the other things I have learned from my father. I guess the biggest one is that when you are wrong, even if it is years later, admit it, apologize, and fix it. He never misses the chance to do that with me. Some other things I have learned from my father- to be independent. To be strong. To be a good leader. To help anyone I am in the position to help, but not let myself get taken advantage of. (still working on not getting taken advantage of!) My father was always so confident. I remember this one camping trip we went on as a family. Pouring rain, thunder, lightening, wind. We're all dry, in the tents, and where's my dad? Outside, in the storm, making sure the tarps and rain flies hold. I learned how to be a fierce protector. I learned that no matter what the past, everyone has the capacity to change. And throughout his illness, I learned what a family goes through together. I am closer to my father now than I ever have been, and I am so proud of who he is. His strength, love and devotion for his family, and his new capacity for kindness amazes me. I am proud to say, good and bad, I am my father's son.

Now I am kind of at a crossroads with my oldest son. I had him when I was 19, and much like with my father, in a lot of ways, we've grown up together. My desire and drive to make him better than me, have better than I had, and do better that I did, has caused a rift in our relationship. Our relationship is a lot like the relationship my father and I had. He is every bit as pig headed and strong willed as I am. Fiercely independent too. And his mouth!!! Man alive, the kid has got a mouth. But, you know what else he's got??? His loyalty and devotion to his family. His capacity for kindness. He is very confident, and always a leader. He's his father's son. I also see in him a desire to change his temper, and his attitude. Him and I both desire to change our relationship, and not let it get to the point where we are losing time we can't get back.

Now, here's where I put what I have learned from my father to use. Time to admit the things I have been wrong about. Apologize for my words that have hurt. Use my capacity for kindness and love, for those that matter most- my family. Thank you dad, and thank you JB. We're all our father's sons.